Small, but not anymore

By Ayella Cremat

With all the things happening today, was there a situation where you stopped and thought of yourself and felt exhausted? If so, how did you address or deal with this thought?

I remember the day I left my home after a massive fight with my dad. I didn’t know what to do. I was homeless for 45 minutes, and my pocket was empty. I sat in the waiting shed along the highway, and I tried to collect my thoughts. At that moment, I was not able to hold my tears. I felt so small for the big world that was creeping me out that time.

It was not the first time I encountered myself feeling broken and miserable. There were plenty of times where the only answer I’ve had given to myself was to cry and pray. It has been a tough time, but I'm sure, I am not the only person who is experiencing rock bottom. Many of us are going through difficult seasons in life that are constantly making us feel exhausted and unmotivated.

We cannot say why, but it is a lot. And at the end of the day, we all have the same complaints and prayers we only vocalize inside our minds. Perhaps, this is how we say the words: “I’m tired,” or “I want a long vacation with enough savings in my pocket.” If I hit the exact words, I’m glad that it resonates with you.

I remember a piece of advice I heard from Joyce Pring-Triviño, a public speaker and TV and podcast host. I don’t remember the exact words, but here’s what I have understood during one of her podcasts, “There is always a reason why we encounter difficult seasons or even difficult people in our lives, they may seem burdens to us, but they can be a lesson or an opportunity in disguise.”

While writing this, I remember again the situation where I already decided to give up something important in my life. I’ve been actually thinking of dropping out of college so I can focus on my job that pays my bills, but somehow, I was tapped by friends and unintentionally reminded me of the secret why I survived the 45 minutes of being homeless. The secret is simple — reaching out.

I can still recall the time I called my auntie to pick me up at the waiting shed, and I told everything to her. That night, I was not thinking about what could be her response, I just voiced out all the pain I have inside and allowed myself to be vulnerable. As a result, she helped me out more than I expected. And until now, I’m living under her roof.

The same goes for the situation that I’m currently facing. I’m a third-year student in the morning and a call center agent at night. At first, I thought it would be easy since I’ve seen a lot of college graduates who were able to balance their time. But, indeed, you will not understand the situation, unless you experience it. Suddenly, I just wanted to quit and once again, I felt small.

Everything that keeps going on with my life, I decided to share it with you. We may not have the same experiences, but the way we address our problems can be related and important to help us deal with our mental health, especially during this time of the pandemic.

We cannot just say to stay positive or motivated, because obviously, these things can appear anytime. Therefore, how do we need to respond to our thoughts when it bugs us again and makes us feel small?

One of the things I’ve learned during this season is to reach out. Be the person who knows when and whom to reach out to. A strong community or even one friend has the power to save us in times of war. Just like what happened to me yesterday — I was supposed to drop out of college, but one friend talked to me and initiated to help me with my pending tasks.

Another thing, let us keep in mind that motivation doesn't just lie in our minds. It comes from a habit of doing things that will keep us motivated. For instance, one of the things that motivate me is listening to Joyce Pring-Triviño. By listening to her podcasts, I can avoid my intrusive thoughts and divert them into something positive. There are a lot of things that we can do to put ourselves in the right headspace. Watching movies and allowing ourselves to have good sleep are also some of the other examples.

Last, but not least — pray. This is something that I’m still working on. I’m not a perfect Christian, I made a lot of mistakes and bad decisions in life, yet I still have faith that no matter what I do, everything will be according to His plan.

We may not see or know the purpose of this pain, but I hope we still believe that life is a blessing and we should not allow ourselves to be defeated by our thoughts. I know it’s easier said than done, but remember this, I am one of you and they are one of us and He is with us. We can address any situation by simply reaching out to like-minded people.